a “one fine day, it will be your turn” thing.
I thought my day, that day, was already happened long time ago. Like, maybe when I was in junior high school. I already felt like .. ready for “okay, THIS IS MY TURN”, already felt ready to leave my home, my city, my country to pursue my grand ambitions, already felt ready to leave my close friends, lover (heck- haha jeeez this is the core problem), already felt ready to defy my fear of change and even challenge it , already held my head so high and did what I always thought: walk away.
Walk away is not a hard thing to do for me (well yeah .. not that easy too). But, that is what I always thought. Walk away. And I thought, I already felt that, I found myself. Who I am.
Which is .. ENTIRELY not that true.
I realise that quote really hits me and I start to feel and live in it, literally, in this period of time. This fine day, it will be my turn. I’ll leave home, city, and country to pursue grander ambitions, which I almost to think it wouldnt be my grander ambition. I literally will leave close friends, lover, and possibilities for the chance to roam the world and make deeper connections. I literally am trying to defy my fear of change (funny term because I always thought I don’t afraid of changing, that I was wrong; there’s one thing I just realised lately that .. I actually always fear to change to somebody I dont recognise. I don’t like to change to the level of fundamental, and here I am .. facing it, oh damn), trying to hold my head high, and trying so hard to do what I once thought was really unthinkable: walk away. And IT IS SCARY.
But, I hope, what I will find in the end is, that in leaving .. I don’t just find adventure or freedom.
I hope, I will find me, and home. —
.
.
.
“And when you choose to leave,
.. the colours start to dull, and my world start to crumbling apart.”
